I've been wanting to write about this for a long time now.
I even started once, but I didn't finish.
I hate to jump on the bandwagon when this is such a popular subject, but I feel like there is something that needs to be said and I want to say it.
I'm going to start with what I had begun to write two months ago but never finished because I feel like it's a good introduction into what I have to say.
"The interesting thing about depression?
It will always be a fight you can win.
But that's the easiest fact to forget.
The people with depression are fighters.
We have looked into the depths of darkness, we have gotten out of bed, and on the days that we haven't, we kept breathing.
No matter what, every day we do our best.
And the funny thing about doing the best you can?
It's still your best.
And that's something to be proud of.
I am a fighter.
I have fought many battles and won.
I win those battles, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.
Because depression is a fight I can, and will, win.
Because the strength it takes, isn't in your heart, or your will, or your hope.
It's deep in your soul.
Those with depression, fight those battles, and day by day, we are changing our worlds.
Those who have lost their battle, they are not less valiant, strong, or brave, their loss is tragic.
Because losing your fight with depression, is to lose your hope in the world.
Your hope in others, your hope in yourself, your hope in the Lord.
Which is the saddest of all.
Because at those darkest moments when we feel the very most alone, are the moments when we couldn't be less."
Let me tell you about suicide.
I remember being very young when my best friend told me she was contemplating suicide. I cried and begged her not to leave me. I couldn't do it alone and I felt she was my only ally in the world.
Later on, I contemplated the potential result her possible suicide would have on me, my family, and hers. I thought how selfish it is for someone to do that damage to their family.
That's the only way I could see suicide, as a horribly selfish act of cowardice.
I was very naive and so incredibly mistaken.
I thought those things before I faced my darkest moments and entertained the idea of suicide and felt the full crushing weight of depression that came as early as elementary school and that I still battle with today.
I remember from time to time thinking "I wish I were dead", "I just want to go home" and the heaviness of my desire for the rest of my soul.
I want to tell you about this incredibly personal thing because I recently read a blog post about Robin Williams and his suicide. It made me so very very angry.
They went on to write about how it is a person's choice and it is fully their responsibility and that we ought not to look at it as if someone lost their battle, because it might glorify suicide and give someone contemplating it an excuse to follow through with those thoughts.
As if anyone contemplating suicide is looking for an excuse.
That paints such a false picture of the person dealing with those thoughts.
When I think of someone looking for an excuse to kill themselves, I think of someone who has victimized themselves, someone who is weak, someone who is kind of pathetic.
And that is simply NOT TRUE.
When the thoughts of suicide invade your mind, you look for any excuse NOT to end your life.
Let me tell you something about people with depression,
We are nothing short of warriors.
We pick up our weapons daily and battle Satan from our minds. Because having depression is like living with Satan in your head, every day is war. And like war, some days you win, some days it's a tie, and some days, it looks like you might lose. But we keep fighting. We do the best we can and often, we feel that tremendous effort inadequate. And when someone loses that fight, it is not up to us to determine if it was cowardice, or deep tragedy.
The church recently put out a statement about suicide which said that it is not for us to judge what shall happen to those who commit suicide, only The Lord knows the circumstances surrounding the death, and that many who do commit suicide are not entirely responsible for their actions, that we cannot fully understand the state of mind those people may have been in.
This does not glorify suicide in anyway. But it begs us to not condemn them, because The Lord does not.
This blogger also talked about joy, and how you cannot be depressed when you have joy.
I disagree.
There have been times that I have gone to the temple to find solace And I feel incredible peace and joy and light, yet at the same time, my longing for home is so exquisitely deep. To say that joy will make depression disappear is a beautiful thought, but so often not true and sounds dangerously close to "well you just have to choose to be happy, it's that simple" which connotes that if you don't achieve that happiness, there is something wrong with you. And you have failed. Which is often more dangerous than to say someone "lost their battle" with depression.
I understand that we do not want to glorify depression, but think about the opposite for a second. Do you really think someone isn't going to commit suicide because they felt ashamed of it?
No!
By shaming suicide and those who commit it, you only make those who are contemplating it draw further within themselves and feel more alone than ever and they become even more at risk.
But admitting that depression is a battle, that it is hard, and that it is not weakness to contemplate suicide, makes it okay to talk about. It makes someone thinking about it feel more comfortable to say "hey, I'm struggling, I need someone to help me fight this because I don't want to lose my battle" wars are not often won by the efforts of one solitary person, but instead by legions of soldiers fighting for one cause.
We need people in our corner, people we can go to when the terrifying thoughts of suicide invade our tired souls and minds. Saying it is despicable is the absolute last thing someone in that position would need to hear.
To anyone who might have thoughts of ending their life, or ever has, please, please recruit your friends, your families, anyone you can to your cause.
I urge anyone who is fighting to remain on earth to keep going, keep battling.
Fight the good fight.
Look for tools to defend yourself against depression, against the disparaging thoughts, to keep moving forward. Every step you make is a victory, every breath you take is hard won, remember how far you have come and imagine how far you can go.
But if you are having thoughts of suicide, know you are not weak, you are not selfish, but know that you have it in you to keep going, to keep fighting.
I take personal great comfort in the scripture that says The Lord will not test us above that which we are able. In other words, even when you don't think you can make it any longer, there will ALWAYS be someone there who KNOWS you can.
I have always found tremendous hope in that thought.
You are not alone, you are not forgotten.
You are loved.
You are important.
You matter.
And if you ever feel you have need of support, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to tell you that you aren't crazy, I hope you will keep me in mind.
I am more than happy to be a soldier in your army against darkness.
-Jeffrey R. Holland
Love,
Sarah
And as always, know you can talk to Heavenly Father any time. He will hear you and he will wrap his loving arms around you and surround you in quiet peace even in your deepest and darkest of hours.
I know this because I have experienced it. I have felt it. I have felt the sweet relief of peace and love as I have fallen to my knees and pleaded with the Father.
He loves you and he knows you and he will make your burdens light.
He will be the General in your war against depression and the Holy Ghost will be your greatest weapon.
"He hears me
When I'm crying in the night
He hears me
When my soul longs to fight
Till the morning will come
And the light of the dawn reassures...
He hears me"
No comments:
Post a Comment