So, I'm a little tired of being on Pinterest and seeing more than a few pins about "how to get your body back after baby!" or recipes for homemade stretch mark creams.
And I started wondering,
Why are so many people so concerned with their pre-baby bodies?
This is going to be another one of those posts that feels frighteningly personal to me.
Because I'm going to admit something that I don't even want to admit to myself.
I have an unhealthy relationship with my body.
I know I'm not the only one.
Since high school, I have criticized my body, feeling like it wasn't skinny enough, tan enough, etc.
I remember going to tryouts for drill team before my freshman year, being concerned about having to wear shorts that showed my pale anti-thigh-gap legs.
I'm so tired of hating myself! I'm so tired of hating my body!
And you know what?
I don't want my pre-baby body back.
And here's why.
When I met Larry, I was back to the weight and size I was when I graduated high school.
I had waited years to get back to that!
Even though, when I graduated high school, I thought I was big.
I was a size six!
But the only way I had made it back to that size was because I had basically lived out of my car and on kind friend's couches for a month or two the year before while I tried to find a job to stay in Provo. I lived on about three dollars a day. Which got me three chocolate chip cookies and a large Dr. Pepper at McDonnalds. That kick-started my weight loss. I didn't get to that weight in a healthy way.
The majority of that loss was done the semester before I met Larry, by not changing what I ate, but how much. And a little bit of exercise.
The problem is, even after attaining my size six again, I STILL felt like I wasn't skinny enough.
I didn't have a healthy self image.
I still don't.
And I want to change that.
Here's my point.
What I hate about the idea of getting "my body back" is
it's not MY body anymore.
It's not!
I had a baby!
I shared my body with that baby for nine months.
And I plan on having more children.
It will never be MY body again.
What is so wrong with that?
What is so wrong with having a little bit of cushion?
I'm not unhealthy.
I'm not obese.
I'm me.
Why is that wrong?
You know what, I don't have time to exercise! I have a baby! Who needs played with, fed, and loved.
I can't even imagine having more than one and trying to make exercise a priority.
Honestly, I really look up to the moms who do!
Good for them!
That's great!
But just because they have found a way to work weight loss into their already busy day doesn't mean that I am, in any way, less.
It doesn't mean that I'm unattractive.
It doesn't mean that I'm a bad person for not being able to figure out how to accomplish that yet.
Even two years ago when I had lost the weight that I wanted to, I still wasn't happy with myself.
Because I'm still learning how to love myself no matter my dress size.
That's what I want to see.
I want to see less pins and blog posts about how to prevent stretch marks (that whole thing irks me too, but I won't get into it now...but...who the freak CARES if you have stretch marks??) and how to get your body back.
I want to see pins and blogs about how to accept yourself at any size, before baby, after baby, while you're pregnant, at any point in your life.
Quite frankly, I'm more concerned about learning THAT before my poor self esteem rubs off on my kids than I am the fastest way to get rid of my "mom arms". Because I know it will if I don't get a handle on it.
I don't want my daughters to be worried about their hips, bust, waist, or thighs! I want to teach my daughters to be beautiful women no matter their outward appearance. I want to teach my children to be confident in themselves and to be good people.
And I can't do that unless I am.
I suspect that I'm not the only woman who wants, more than anything, to stop worrying about her size, or the social pressure to loose weight when there's really nothing wrong with me as I am right now.
If I happen to loose weight in the future, I want it to be because of a healthy lifestyle and because I'm running to keep up with my kids.
Not because I'm killing myself in a gym or spending time sweating buckets doing extreme living room workouts because I want to be thin and look like the ultra pretty girls on Pinterest.
I want to feel good about myself.
So I'm making that commitment to myself.
I'm not going to commit to loose any weight.
If it happens, it happens. Great.
If it doesn't, I'm still me.
I'm a mom and I don't regret giving my body to my children.
Because it's not about me and "my body" anymore.
It's about a little boy named James.
So I'm going to do better about not criticizing myself in the mirror, hating the indiscriminate parts of me that make me who I am.
Maybe I can be a positive role model for my children someday.
That's what I'm going to concern myself with.
Less Than Three,
Sarah
(I hope no one takes this as an attack on moms or women who have made it their goal to get in shape and live healthy lifestyles. Like I said, I really do look up to them and I wish I could be more like them. Living healthy is an incredible feat! For me, living healthy is also about my mental outlook. And that's what I hope to work on)
(Photo credit to Kylee Matthews at Kylee Alyssa Photography for the first picture and Terry Hess for the second)
