Things My Mission Taught Me About Marriage

So, this is something that has been on my mind ever since, well, my mission.
You fairly often hear it when you go on a mission, that you are going to be prepared to be a better wife and mother/ husband and father.
So when I went on my mission, I tried to pay attention to how it could possibly make me a better wife and mother.
Here are a few things I found.

1. Companionship Inventory

It may seem strange to sit down and ask your spouse: "Ok, tell me what I'm doing wrong" but it's actually rather healthy. Something Preach My Gospel has you do is ASK for your companion's input on how you can improve. You aren't just supposed to sit down and say let me tell you everything that is wrong with you, you have to ask for the criticism, so you have to be a little ready to be humbled. Because having someone tell you how you can improve is VERY humbling. Marriage is about improving together, growing together. But, there is also a good way and a bad way to do that. When we are helping each other improve, it shouldn't be done meanly, it MUST be done with love, kindness, humility, and understanding. Another important part about companionship inventory is that you ALWAYS always go over what your companion is doing RIGHT. The Lord doesn't let us think "I'm doing everything wrong so why even try", he builds us up too, so it makes sense that we should follow that pattern. Not only do we help each other to grow, but we have to praise one another for our accomplishments. We should always build each other up.

2. How to Live With Someone You Love

This might seem like a very simple thing, but it's not. Even when we are living with our best friends, life can be challenging because not everyone does everything the same way. It's funny just how very different each and every family does even the smallest things!
The point is, you have to take the good with the bad. My favorite mission companion, Jen, and I got along really well, but it was still difficult. We both had days where, I'm sure, we didn't like each other so much. But, then, we'd have days where we were the best of friends and had a wonderful time working together. I still consider her to be one of my absolute BEST friends. When you're living with someone, even a best friend or someone you love, life is just not always going to be paradise. And sometimes it can be difficult to learn to deal with that.

3. How to Live With Someone You Don't Like So Much

Again, there are going to be days that you aren't so happy with each other. But you have to stick it out and get through it. On your mission, you end up with companions you love, and some that are just a little harder to love. But you have to work through it. You don't give up on a mission companion you have a hard time getting along with, you work to find a way to get along.
You have to put some effort in.

4. Never EVER Speak Badly About Your Companion

This one is hard! We all like to vent, just to get it off our chests, there's no harm in that right? WRONG. This one is difficult I think, because we grow up doing it. We speak poorly of our friends, our family, teachers, classmates, roommates, just anyone and everyone that annoys us. But here's the problem with that, when you speak poorly about someone to someone else, you are putting that negative image in the other person's mind. They aren't going to see that person the same way again, and you aren't going to just get all that venom out and then forget it as you think you intend to. No, you hold on to it, you go over it in your head and that poison spreads till all you can see is how terrible someone is. Also, that other person doesn't get to see the person you're talking about at their best. All they hear is you talking about them at their worst. It opens the door for contention to enter your home. Even if the other person doesn't know that you talked about them, the Spirit will flee from you and contention will take root. But it's hard to hold in. Sometimes we just want sympathy, or justification. We want someone else to be on our side, to tell us we're right and they're wrong because we want to feel better about ourselves.
But there is nothing wrong with being wrong.
It's hard an it hurts to find out that we were wrong because we so often seek to "win". For some reason it has become so important to us to always "win" when compared to everyone else. Even a spouse. But, why does there have to be a winner and a loser? There doesn't! Sometimes, it's not just one person who is wrong, sometimes we both are. Sometimes we're both right! But we have a hard time admitting when we are wrong and someone else is right. You know what that is? It's pride. Talking bad about someone else is just sowing those seeds. A marriage, friendship, family, companionship, etc. cannot survive and flourish when pride is involved.

5. Change Your Motivation

Why do you do the chores around your house? Because they need to be done, right? What if we did the chores around the house because we wanted to do something for the people we love? Not out of a responsibility or to check something off a list, but because we want to show the people we care about that we love them. What if every member of your family took that attitude and approach? I often wonder if our homes would be much more peaceful places. It's about service. Which brings me to my next point:

6. Serve Your Companion Every Day

In Preach My Gospel it tells you to put your companion first and to serve them. Even the smallest thing can be service. What counts as service? Anything and everything you can do to make their life a little easier, or to show them you love them. Jen and I would almost end up having note competitions, seeing who could leave notes in the random-est of places for the other to read. As strange as it is, Jen would hide my bed while I was getting ready in the morning or getting ready for bed at night.
Literally, my BED.
I'd have to go running around the apartment trying to find the missing pieces! Pillows, my bed frame, my mattress, my blankets, it was insanity! But, for some strange reason, I kinda saw this as service. I'd have gotten so serious during the day, focusing on all the things I was doing wrong, and having to go run around my apartment finding my bed made me come out of that fog and cheer up a little. So, really, even the strangest things can be service and work miracles!

7. Work Hard Together

This is where division of the work is so important. Each of you has to be doing your part. One person can't be doing more than the other because then you both fail. I first learned the term for this from my mom, it's called being equally yolked. Like oxen pulling a wagon, you both have to be pulling your own weight. And this also means not pulling the majority of it either! I'm not just talking about house work or chores. I mean Spiritual weight, the weight of raising kids, money weight. You have to work together in all areas of your life. One person can't just budget and have the only idea of where finances are at, you have to council together. One person can't be just responsible for raising the kids. You both have to talk about it. You can't rely on just one of the two of you to be "the spiritual one" you BOTH have to be equally dedicated to the Lord. Or else things fall apart.

8. Above All, Respect Your Companion

I don't really know how to better explain this one. Respect their space, respect their feelings, just do everything with love. Understand that life isn't easy for either of you. Find that as your common ground when it seems that there is nothing else. Support each other.

I don't have kids yet, but from what I've observed: here's the thing about becoming a better spouse, I believe it makes you a better parent. We all know that we learn by example. When we can set a proper example, or at least an example of striving to be better for our spouse and for our children, they will see it and want to be better too.

9. Life is about being even just a little better today than you were yesterday.

I'm grateful for my mission because, above all, that was the greatest lesson I could learn.

Anyway, I think I'm done ranting now! There are a million other valuable things that I learned on my mission, but I think that about covers it for the moment.
I hope I don't come across "preachy" because that is the last thing I want. I'm the first person to admit that I forget these lessons far more often than I should. But hopefully by writing them here I won't forget them as much. I'm newly married still. I know I have so much more to learn. I can only imagine the lessons my kids will teach me someday! Hopefully, not too many of them will be terribly painful!

Well, we're almost to the end of the week! It's amazing how quickly the time flies!
Till tomorrow:

Less Than Three,
Sarah

(Picture here)