He Hears Me

I've been wanting to write about this for a long time now.
I even started once, but I didn't finish.
I hate to jump on the bandwagon when this is such a popular subject, but I feel like there is something that needs to be said and I want to say it.
I'm going to start with what I had begun to write two months ago but never finished because I feel like it's a good introduction into what I have to say.

"The interesting thing about depression?
It will always be a fight you can win.
But that's the easiest fact to forget.
The people with depression are fighters.
We have looked into the depths of darkness, we have gotten out of bed, and on the days that we haven't, we kept breathing.
No matter what, every day we do our best.
And the funny thing about doing the best you can?
It's still your best.
And that's something to be proud of.
I am a fighter.
I have fought many battles and won.
I win those battles, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.
Because depression is a fight I can, and will, win.
Because the strength it takes, isn't in your heart, or your will, or your hope.
It's deep in your soul.
Those with depression, fight those battles, and day by day, we are changing our worlds.
Those who have lost their battle, they are not less valiant, strong, or brave, their loss is tragic.
Because losing your fight with depression, is to lose your hope in the world.
Your hope in others, your hope in yourself, your hope in the Lord.
Which is the saddest of all.
Because at those darkest moments when we feel the very most alone, are the moments when we couldn't be less."

Let me tell you about suicide.

I remember being very young when my best friend told me she was contemplating suicide. I cried and begged her not to leave me. I couldn't do it alone and I felt she was my only ally in the world.
Later on, I contemplated the potential result her possible suicide would have on me, my family, and hers. I thought how selfish it is for someone to do that damage to their family.
That's the only way I could see suicide, as a horribly selfish act of cowardice.
I was very naive and so incredibly mistaken.

I thought those things before I faced my darkest moments and entertained the idea of suicide and felt the full crushing weight of depression that came as early as elementary school and that I still battle with today.
I remember from time to time thinking "I wish I were dead", "I just want to go home" and the heaviness of my desire for the rest of my soul.

I want to tell you about this incredibly personal thing because I recently read a blog post about Robin Williams and his suicide. It made me so very very angry.
They went on to write about how it is a person's choice and it is fully their responsibility and that we ought not to look at it as if someone lost their battle, because it might glorify suicide and give someone contemplating it an excuse to follow through with those thoughts.
As if anyone contemplating suicide is looking for an excuse.
That paints such a false picture of the person dealing with those thoughts.
When I think of someone looking for an excuse to kill themselves, I think of someone who has victimized themselves, someone who is weak, someone who is kind of pathetic.
And that is simply NOT TRUE.
When the thoughts of suicide invade your mind, you look for any excuse NOT to end your life.

Let me tell you something about people with depression,
We are nothing short of warriors.
We pick up our weapons daily and battle Satan from our minds. Because having depression is like living with Satan in your head, every day is war. And like war, some days you win, some days it's a tie, and some days, it looks like you might lose. But we keep fighting. We do the best we can and often, we feel that tremendous effort inadequate. And when someone loses that fight, it is not up to us to determine if it was cowardice, or deep tragedy.
The church recently put out a statement about suicide which said that it is not for us to judge what shall happen to those who commit suicide, only The Lord knows the circumstances surrounding the death, and that many who do commit suicide are not entirely responsible for their actions, that we cannot fully understand the state of mind those people may have been in.
This does not glorify suicide in anyway. But it begs us to not condemn them, because The Lord does not.

This blogger also talked about joy, and how you cannot be depressed when you have joy.
I disagree.
There have been times that I have gone to the temple to find solace And I feel incredible peace and joy and light, yet at the same time, my longing for home is so exquisitely deep. To say that joy will make depression disappear is a beautiful thought, but so often not true and sounds dangerously close to "well you just have to choose to be happy, it's that simple" which connotes that if you don't achieve that happiness, there is something wrong with you. And you have failed. Which is often more dangerous than to say someone "lost their battle" with depression.
I understand that we do not want to glorify depression, but think about the opposite for a second. Do you really think someone isn't going to commit suicide because they felt ashamed of it?
No!
By shaming suicide and those who commit it, you only make those who are contemplating it draw further within themselves and feel more alone than ever and they become even more at risk.
But admitting that depression is a battle, that it is hard, and that it is not weakness to contemplate suicide, makes it okay to talk about. It makes someone thinking about it feel more comfortable to say "hey, I'm struggling, I need someone to help me fight this because I don't want to lose my battle" wars are not often won by the efforts of one solitary person, but instead by legions of soldiers fighting for one cause.
We need people in our corner, people we can go to when the terrifying thoughts of suicide invade our tired souls and minds. Saying it is despicable is the absolute last thing someone in that position would need to hear.
To anyone who might have thoughts of ending their life, or ever has, please, please recruit your friends, your families, anyone you can to your cause.

I urge anyone who is fighting to remain on earth to keep going, keep battling.
Fight the good fight.
Look for tools to defend yourself against depression, against the disparaging thoughts, to keep moving forward. Every step you make is a victory, every breath you take is hard won, remember how far you have come and imagine how far you can go.
But if you are having thoughts of suicide, know you are not weak, you are not selfish, but know that you have it in you to keep going, to keep fighting.
I take personal great comfort in the scripture that says The Lord will not test us above that which we are able. In other words, even when you don't think you can make it any longer, there will ALWAYS be someone there who KNOWS you can.
I have always found tremendous hope in that thought.

You are not alone, you are not forgotten.
You are loved.
You are important.
You matter.
And if you ever feel you have need of support, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to tell you that you aren't crazy, I hope you will keep me in mind.
I am more than happy to be a soldier in your army against darkness.

"In the gospel of Jesus Christ you have help from both sides of the veil and you must never forget that. When disappointment and discouragement strike - and they will - you remember and never forget that if our eyes could be opened we would see horses and chariots of fire as far as the eye can see riding at reckless speed to come to our protection. They will always be there, these armies of heaven, in defense of Abraham's seed."
-Jeffrey R. Holland
Love,
Sarah

And as always, know you can talk to Heavenly Father any time. He will hear you and he will wrap his loving arms around you and surround you in quiet peace even in your deepest and darkest of hours.
I know this because I have experienced it. I have felt it. I have felt the sweet relief of peace and love as I have fallen to my knees and pleaded with the Father.
He loves you and he knows you and he will make your burdens light.
He will be the General in your war against depression and the Holy Ghost will be your greatest weapon.

"He hears me
When I'm crying in the night
He hears me
When my soul longs to fight
Till the morning will come
And the light of the dawn reassures...
He hears me"

Happy New Year!!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone! I can't believe a year has flown by!
NOTHING has gone as planned, but that's pretty normal. This time last year I was in Seattle, wondering what the next year would bring me, working at Deseret Book, and not entirely ready to leave for school! Then I had one of the hardest semesters of my life, seriously it was one thing after another! But we won't go into that at the moment! Then I met the love of my life. See, my personal plan had always been that I'd meet the guy I was going to marry in January, we'd date for about three months before he would ask me to marry him and then we'd get married in June. So every year when I wouldn't meet someone in January, I'd always figure, hey, maybe next year! So when I met Larry in April and ended up married in August, it would be an understatement to say I didn't see that one coming! But the Lord always has a better plan for us than we have for ourselves and Larry is better than anything I had EVER imagined or hoped for!
Then we figured we'd be living in Washington, I'd start work again at Deseret Book and Larry would find a job there. But, after we got married and went down to Arizona for the reception there, we realized that the Lord wanted us in Arizona. So we stayed down there. Now, not only was I sad that I couldn't work at Deseret Book (probably one of my favorite places, not gonna lie) but we also felt like I needed to stay home. Which, I wasn't very happy about. I wanted to work! Larry was gone all day and I needed something to do! But, it ended up being a great blessing. I figured out I actually kinda like to cook, I haven't had to worry about maintaining a job while I've been dealing with this stomach thing, I've rediscovered interests, and I've grown in so many ways I didn't know were possible! We have been so greatly blessed, even if I was just a little stubborn along the way...

So what's on the horizon for us next year?

I honestly have NO idea.
We weren't able to find a place to live in Rexburg before we left Arizona. But we packed up our belongings in good faith that the Lord would guide us the way we are supposed to go! We had a wonderful time on our mini honey moon in Disneyland! (Pictures at the end!) And we had a wonderful time visiting my oldest friend Caitlyn and her husband Brian. It's actually almost scary how well Brian and Larry get along! That certainly works out well!! Then we spent a few days with my parents for Christmas and it was wonderful to see them! We had planned on being in Washington for a while and getting to see some friends, but, as goes the story of my life, that wasn't what the Lord had in mind for us. So, we got two days in Washington before we felt strongly that we needed to go back to California. So here we are! We still haven't found a place in Rexburg and we don't know if that will be where we end up at all this semester. We have a few options in the works at the moment and we won't know till this week or maybe even next week what will happen, but the changes could potentially be huge, so stay tuned for those!
But, one of those changes starts here! I couldn't decide if the whole "Love" theme I had going here was cute or just annoying. I think that it might be annoying so I'm going to get rid of the "Loving xyz" blog title thing. Small change, I know, but we'll see how that works. Next, I've been trying to decide if I want to have a specific area that I have my blog focus on. Like a crochet blog, a quilting blog, an all things craft blog, a beauty blog, a blog about dealing with depression, ADD, and Trichotillomania (I may have spelled that wrong...sorry!) ect. I love all those things, they make me who I am, and honestly I'm still searching for a niche. But, hopefully I'll get some feedback from you and you'll let me know what YOU would like to read about. I'll be honest with you, I don't know everything in the world. I'm only starting out with crocheting and I honestly haven't ever even tried to quilt, and I'm still learning what works for me and what doesn't. But, I would love it if you would help me find out! I have a feeling that this year is going to be more difficult, but at the same time even better than the last! And I would love it if you took the ride with me!
SO!
Here's to a brand new year and all of the trials and all of the blessings it will bring! It's going to be great and I can't wait to share it with all of the people I love!
Have a wonderful New Years Eve! I'll see you next year!

Less Than Three,
Sarah

I had to post this because I love grumpy cat and this just made me chuckle.

Ya... he's that awesome.

They've reopened Sleeping Beauty's Castle!! I was sooooo excited!!

That is entirely made of legos! How crazy is that??

You know, it's a little sad when the Beast...is more..."endowed"...than Bell...

So, Caitlyn and I tried to make cookies last night, but my favorite recipe is in Arizona in a box that is waiting for us to have a place that it can be shipped to, so we found a recipe close to it, but something went wrong and they ended up SUPER crumbly and we accidentally dropped one and it exploded on the ground. I'm fairly certain a cookie isn't supposed to do that...

San Francisco!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Loving Lacking Secrets

Hi everyone!
So, here I am, blogging again. Two whole days in a row! Shocking isn't it? Today I wanted to share something that is very personal to me. I wouldn't even have thought of sharing it until I read this blog post by another blogger.

(http://www.littlemissmomma.com/2010/06/i-have-secret.html)

Her secret is my secret. It is laced with embarrassment, self loathing, and lots of denial. And I'm not going to lie, I am nervous as heck to be posting this! I am a shy and private person, but I feel the need to do this. So, here it goes!
My story begins my freshman year of high school. I remember the day I started to pull my hair out so clearly. I was sitting in English on the row closest to the teacher's desk and we were doing something on our own. I was thinking and started to fiddle with my hair when all of a sudden I found a strand that was thicker and wavy with a different texture than the rest of my hair. The feeling of that hair was so different and it intrigued me to run my fingers over it. So I pulled it out. That hour, sitting in that class, was destructive. By the end of the class I had a pile of hair on my lap which, I know, is disgusting, but I actually felt good. I had thick hair and it was always getting in my way. Even having pulled out that much, my hair was still thick, but it didn't feel as thick as it had and, sadly, I felt better. I went home that day and continued to pull. I remember, I didn't think it was gross or strange, I think I was more fascinated by this ability I had to just pull it out and it didn't hurt.
The sad thing about my, personal, situation is that, for me, it doesn't just stop at hair pulling. I also pull at my eyelashes and my eyebrows. I have fought with this for the past ten years and it has been devastating. While for a while it was intriguing and fascinating, it soon became my deepest darkest place. When I first started out, I would pull hair from all one spot, because it felt good. I don't know how that makes any sense, but it just felt relieving. So, I would end up with bald patches that I had to try to cover up. Which wasn't too hard at the beginning, but then I would have tufts of hair growing back and those were harder to hide. I look back at pictures of myself around that time and I can see the bumps in my hair. Eventually I began to pull at my eyelashes. For some reason it was like they would begin to itch and pulling them out was the only thing that would make the itch stop. When I had almost pulled out all of my eyelashes I learned about false eyelashes and I began to experiment with the piece lashes that could fill in where I had pulled holes in my eyelashes. I was deeply embarrassed by all of this. I didn't want anyone to notice. I honestly didn't really think of it as any kind of problem that I might have, I just thought it was something I did. Then came my eyebrows. I started pulling them because I hated plucking them. And it didn't hurt as much if I just used my fingers, so I did. Which also was fine for a little while, until it started to feel good to pull them out and I ended up with bald patches in them which I had to try to cover up with eye shadow.
I became a pro at covering it up. I figured out that if I pulled from somewhere in the middle of my hair that it wasn't as noticeable, that if I pulled a few from all over, I wouldn't end up with the bald patches. So I continued.
I honestly thought I was the only one who did this. I thought I was weird, disgusting, and I kinda gave up on myself and never expected anything better than the humiliation of pulling out my own hair.
When I hopelessly failed my first year of college because I honestly lacked the ability to get out of bed, I learned that I had depression. In high school I had been diagnosed with ADD (which, contrary to popular belief is much different than ADHD) and I had taken medication for it (which I honestly didn't feel helped me more than to make the tiniest of dents in my problems with school)but I had no idea that I might be dealing with depression. When I came home from my mission I started thinking about my depression and I realized that I must have had it most of my life since it is practically impossible for me to remember a time, before then, that I was actually, genuinely happy.
When I was about twenty one, I learned that my hair pulling was actually a disorder. And I wouldn't have had any idea until a dear friend of mine talked to me about it, because she had noticed and had actually seen or read something about a disorder that fit my symptoms.
That night I stayed up so late reading about Trichotillomania, sometimes referred to as Trich. I remember feeling so broken because I had one more thing wrong with me to add to the already long list. And yet, I still didn't do anything about it. Trichotillomania is a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and some people have been able to control theirs with medication. I have yet to have been able to control mine. Granted, I haven't tried any medications other than my anti depressants and ADD meds.
With Trich, there are individual triggers for each person who has it. I'm not entirely sure what mine are, but I know that most, if not all, of them start with stress. I'm still learning how to manage mine and how to not pull out my hair. I've had periods where I'll be really good about not doing it. Or I'll only pull my hair and leave my eyelashes and eyebrows alone. But those come and go. As I write this, I have holes in my eyelashes from where, weeks ago, I started to pull on them because I had mascara on them and I wanted it off. But, I haven't pulled out any hair for a few weeks.
There is light at the end of every tunnel. Just as I thought that I couldn't remember a time when I had ever been actually happy, now I can. Now, I am very happy, and I can remember so many happy times I've had since I've been home from my mission.
I guess that's another admission I should make, in the spirit of revealing secrets that I don't want to keep anymore. On my mission, I was very sick for most of it. Now when I say "sick" I do mean physically, but I also use this word to refer to my depression. To those of you who think that depression isn't an illness, as real as the flu, I'm sorry but you are tragically wrong. I wish that I could just decide how I want to feel. I wish that I could just let it go and not feel sad for no reason whatsoever at the most random of times. I wish that I could make the physical pain and exhaustion, caused by depression, just go away. But, most of the time, I can't because I don't have control of it. I do the best I can, I try to stay positive, I try to make myself do what I don't feel that I physically can. The dangerous part of that is, when I try to make myself do what I can't, it begins the spiral. I begin to feel bad about myself because I can't pull myself up and do the dishes, which brings on the depression even more and I feel more exhausted and deeply depressed. So it is thin line that I walk every single day. So, on my mission, many things happened that just aren't worth hashing out here, but my depression took great hold of me. My mission meant everything to me. I loved it. So I was devastated when, completely out of the blue, my mission president told me he thought it was time I go home because I wasn't going to get any better there. I didn't want to go home. I wanted to do what I had been called to do. The problem was, I couldn't physically do it at that moment. I remember being so frustrated because I KNEW I could finish my mission. I KNEW I could be a good missionary. But, as I knelt that night to ask the Lord what He would have me do, I got the most powerful answer I had received up to that point. And, as most of you know, I went home.
At the time, this was crushing. And, as I knew then but understand better now, the hair pulling was connected to the depression and I began to heal. On my mission, my Trich had been worse than it had been since about my junior year of high school. I barely had eyelashes, I barely had eyebrows, and I could not stop pulling my hair. But it DID get better. I went to school, and have since had some of the greatest times of my life. I'm married now, to the most wonderful man I have ever met and I am terribly happy. But the struggle still continues. I still fight to get myself up some days. I still battle the urge to pull my hair. But I am winning and that is all that matters. At least to me.
Why did I feel the need to share all of this with you? I'm not entirely sure, other than I know I was deeply inspired by that blog post and maybe there is someone out there who struggles with these same issues and just needs to know they are not alone. If there is one thing I've learned, it's that we are not as unique as we think we are. There is always ALWAYS at least one other person, if not more, in this world who has gone through what you are going through. No matter how rare. Now, our combinations of situations might be different but there is always ALWAYS ALWAYS someone who knows what you are going through. No matter if you are Christian or not, you are never alone. Whether you want to take that to mean some other person, or the Lord, you are never alone. Personally, I deeply believe in Christ and know that Heavenly Father is just that, my Heavenly Father and that he knows, loves, and cares about me. And that knowledge has gotten me through so much.
So, if this blog post serves no other reason than to let someone else know that they are not alone in this trial, that is reason enough for me to divulge some of my deepest, most personal, and embarrassing secrets.
I hope I haven't rambled too much, and I hope you don't see me any differently than you had before. I'm not crazy, I am not disgusting, and I am not a slacker. I am just me and I am grateful for that.

Less Than Three,
Sarah

Me my senior year of high school.

My husband and me dressed up for Halloween. Hope you all had a safe one!!